In our work with family businesses, we recently had a situation where the founder of a large family business was apparently so frustrated with one of his sons (who is a senior manager in the company) that during a phone conversation said, “Son, if that’s the way you want to do it, then you’re sacked!”.
And this was 10 days before Christmas.
Both father and son are very forthright and determined people, so whilst a little shocked, I was not surprised with this happening. Obviously, it’s not something the son said or did on this one occasion - there’s probably a lot of family history that’s led to this.
Now, what did surprise me was that three days later, the father reinstated his son.
And having worked with the family, we are pretty sure that the son’s three siblings would have been supporting their brother in standing up to Dad. Ah, family dynamics!
Can you imagine the atmosphere when the family are sitting around the table at Christmas dinner? The father/son topic is bound to come up, if not directly, then certainly by inference at some point during the meal.
Whilst this may seem like an extreme case of family disfunction, many families have both past and immediate history that can cause the celebratory meal to become a platform for raising past hurts and felt injustices. In extreme cases, it could even lead to the “last supper” for the full family.
How to avoid such happenings and have a truly warming family Christmas get together?
It seems there’s been a plethora of advice over recent years on how to make Christmas a celebration of family rather than a miserable experience – an unpleasant experience that’s generally triggered by one family member bringing up a mistake or issue that has caused him or her some anguish or even anger during the year. Unfortunately, some suggested conversational comments or questions that I read recently to manage the situation, instead of dampening the tension may well lead to further angst. These suggestions to manage the situation included:
- What an odd thing to say out loud
- I'm surprised you feel comfortable saying that
- Did you mean to share that with the group?
- Would you mind repeating that?
Please read these again out loud as if they were being spoken to you when sitting with your family having a pleasant meal together and you made a remark that may have been a bit “off” or taken the wrong way. How would you feel?
Would you feel you were being criticized for your remark?
Yes, each suggestion has a sense of blame or criticism for what you just said, and so your emotional levels start to rise. And in your rising emotional state, now is not the time to respond to the jibe that these responses may foster.
So, let’s assume that your pesky Uncle John brings up something at the Christmas dinner that’s obviously got his knickers in a knot about something you did or said during the year. Instead of responding with something pithy or seemingly clever like, “Did you mean to share that with the group?”, here’s a suggested way to handle yourself and Uncle John.
Pause. Smile.
Now smiling after hearing your pesky Unc’s comments will be challenging. Inwardly, you’ll probably be feeling like telling him where to go – this will only inflame the situation and lessen your image in the eyes of the family. However, smiling, will lower your emotional state as it triggers the feel good brain chemicals – endorphin, dopamine, serotonin – which lower stress hormones and your blood pressure. Smiling’s a real mood booster and helps puts you in control of you and the situation.
Now the better words to use.
“Unc, I’m keen to celebrate family. May I call you next week to discuss this? Today, I’m celebrating family”.
Three things have just happened. Firstly, you’ve just set the agenda for the rest of the Christmas dinner. There can be no argument(s) – we’re all here to celebrate and share each other’s company as a family.
Secondly, you’ve given Uncle John an option – you’ve not put him down. Had you said something like “I'm surprised you feel comfortable saying that” you’d be in his world – now he’s in yours – you have the control – you’re setting the rules around how we will discuss this, not here, not now. Now, he can either respond with something like “Sure” or he may shut up. He may even apologise as he’s just seen what he’s done to the family.
Thirdly, all of your words in “Unc, I’m keen to celebrate family. May I call you next week to discuss this? Today, I’m celebrating family” are spoken from an “I” perspective – there is no “You”, as in “Did you mean to share that with the group?” which automatically infers blame or criticism for your comment.
Taking an “I” perspective ensures that you are in control and importantly, not pouring blame or criticism on Uncle John for what he’s just said – his comments are never mentioned in your response.
Oh, there is a fourth little gem in your response, “Today, I’m celebrating family”. It’s expressed in the present tense, so automatically everyone’s brain has snapped into ‘now’ mode – we’re here celebrating.
In summary, talk from an “I” perspective, never using “You”. Set your agenda – be clear on why are you here – and stay in your world, not the other person’s. Provide options, so the other person has a way out. And express your actions in the present tense as if they are happening now, not the future.
And who knows, Uncle John may give you a cuddle on the way out or even a quick peck on the cheek underneath the mistletoe (it may be worth hanging some amongst the tinsel just in case). And I do hope our father/son family take this advice when they get together this Christmas and end up hugging one another like a true father and son.