Articles

In my earlier sporting years, when I found myself in a challenging situation during a rugby game, tennis match, or cycle race, I would often say to myself, “Come on Bob, you can do this” or “Come on Bob, you’re doing well here – just beat that other guy”. I never really knew how, where, or why I developed this type of self-talk, using my name rather than saying, “I can do this” or “I did well there and beat him”. If I had explained this phrasing to other people, they might have thought it was a little unusual. Yet it worked for me, because it helped me feel positive about myself even when I had not succeeded as expected. And now, new research helps explain why.

In a Harvard Business Review article, Pronouns Matter When Psyching Yourself Up, psychology researchers Ozlem Ayduk and Ethan Kross put it simply: “referring to yourself in the second or third person can make a difference”.

“We found that cueing people to reflect on intense emotional experiences using their names and non-first-person pronouns such as ‘you’ or ‘he’ or ‘she’ consistently helped them control their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. For example, in one study we found that participants who silently referred to themselves in the second or third person or used their own names while preparing for a five-minute speech were calmer and more confident and performed better on the task than those who referred to themselves using ‘I’ or ‘me.’”.

There is also an even more effective way to strengthen self-talk:

I was travelling by train from Circular Quay to Central (in Sydney) one morning some years ago. Quietly sitting there reading, I found myself suddenly listening to the train guard's announcements. Now train commuters reading this will readily testify that when the guard makes an announcement, rather than the recorded message, it's often quite dull or hard to understand. Whether it's the recorded message or the guard's message, few people (apart from tourists) listen to these messages.

This one was different.

As I looked up from my book, I noticed that other passengers (previously engrossed in their smart phones or tablets) were also looking up and appeared to be listening. Not only that, everyone was smiling!

Why was so much attention being paid to this message?

I remember in primary school being selected to be one of the “Three Little Maids From School” in the play the Mikado – and this was an all-boys school!  Interesting how one’s mind wanders, as I was preparing a presentation for the Institute of Directors on managing difficult conversations in board meetings.

What’s “the Mikado maid” got to do with this you might ask?  Well, my next thought was that the only other on-stage part I’ve ever had was as a radio newsreader in a high school play.  Now this one was recorded, and I’d thought I’d done a pretty good job until I heard my voice played back – flat, monotone, and a bit boring. Such verbal expressions may be OK in face-to-face (F2F) meetings, but they do not engender engagement nor enthusiasm in online meetings, particularly board meetings.

Although I didn’t hear my Mikado part played back, I’m sure my voice was more interesting than the voice of the newsreader – at least it promoted a lot of laughing from the audience!

Now since we’re limited to two of our senses, sight and sound – and missing, smell, taste and touch – not only does our sound (voice/tone) need to express our thoughts and feelings well, our online meetings need to be particularly well planned and facilitated.

Research on the effectiveness of online v’s F2F has grown apace since Covid and the findings include:

Earlier this week I facilitated a workshop for scientists on project management and what an eye-opener it was!  Certainly for me, but I feel even more so for the participants.

The reasons? 

My focus in the workshop was not on learning how to manage projects per se, as they’d all been involved and experienced in many projects, but how could this group (who work together in the same team and organisation) agree on a ‘common framework’ which would be followed for all their projects? 

To develop this common framework, I decided they’d need to have a good understanding of ‘process management skills’ – the skills all good managers use when working with groups and teams to achieve success. I term these the “How to” skills – the process managing skills applied when managing the content – the “What” the project is expected to achieve.

Both the How and the What are essential, and in watching and working with many teams, I see those that are successful employ the process skills well to ensure the content is managed to achieve their aims.  Those teams who flounder tend to spend very little time on managing the team process (e.g., strategy, decision making, managing conflict, etc.) and often get bogged down in the quagmire of ever increasing data.

And when discussing this “How” and “What” approach with my client, we decided ...

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about the passing of well known and highly respected Australian radio host, James Valentine. Since then, I’ve had the opportunity to listen again to my interview with James whose opening question of me was, “Bob, what makes a good boss?”.

That question brought to mind the time that I ran a leadership development program for the Australian Institute of Management and in particular, one participant, Henk.

Now Henk had emigrated to Australia from the Netherlands some years before, found a job as a factory-hand working on the production line, and by the time he came to our leadership training, he’d risen to be the GM for the factory. 

We were talking about good bosses, and Henk recounted the story of his great boss. Apparently, each Christmas he’d give Henk a small bonus, perhaps also a bottle of wine as a “Thank You” for Henk’s work during the year. As Henk proceeded to tell his story, I could hear and see that he was getting a bit emotional.  Henk said, “You know Bob, the bonus and wine were nice, but it was the letter that went with the gift that was so good.  In the letter, my boss thanked me for the work I’d done, the time away from family on business and the challenges I’d overcome, and so on”.

By this stage Henk had tears in his eyes, as he continued, 

By Philip Pryor & Bob Selden – Family Business Central

A recent article in RNZ “What to know about working for your family” mentioned that as “margins tighten, some small and medium-sized businesses are turning to family members to help keep their operations running.  However, legal risks can arise when a family "helper" is later found to have effectively been an employee.”

From our experience in Family Business Central of working with family businesses over the last two decades in New Zealand and Australia, we’ve found this to be true.  However, this is only half the story.  In addition to the legal implications and requirements of the employer/employee relationship mentioned, there are significant family issues that can arise.

I was very sad to hear that long-time radio host for ABC in Sydney, James Valemtine had passed as a result of cancer.  After entertaining the people of New South Wales for 25 years in his afternoon show with humour, worldwide sage knowledge and above all empathy for others, his passing has left a void for those who got so much pleasure – and often learning – from James’ discussions. 

And in this void, James also left a legacy – our memories of some of the little quirky things he’d cover in his show – that seemed so simply yet brought so much joy and humour to us all.  As fellow journalist Sarah Macdonald recounted in today’s article on ABC, “ …  he would sweat to help us laugh at the small things that loom so large in life: How to stack a dishwasher; the etiquette of bringing cheap wine to a dinner party and then drinking the good plonk; and the frustrations of the partner who insists on sleeping on the display cushions.”

In the mix of James’ monologues (short), witty remarks, and empathic conversations with listeners sharing their problem, there was often a guest James would invite to discuss an issue or perhaps problem that he thought many listeners could learn from.

I’m honoured to say, I happened to be one of James’ guests some years ago when James was looking at one of the things that loom so large in most people’s everyday lives – our boss. His opening remarks, “What impact does our boss have on us?  And, what makes for a good boss?”

In our work with family businesses, we recently had a situation where the founder of a large family business was apparently so frustrated with one of his sons (who is a senior manager in the company) that during a phone conversation said, “Son, if that’s the way you want to do it, then you’re sacked!”.

And this was 10 days before Christmas.

Both father and son are very forthright and determined people, so whilst a little shocked, I was not surprised with this happening.  Obviously, it’s not something the son said or did on this one occasion - there’s probably a lot of family history that’s led to this.

Now, what did surprise me was that three days later, the father reinstated his son.

And having worked with the family, we are pretty sure that the son’s three siblings would have been supporting their brother in standing up to Dad. Ah, family dynamics!

Can you imagine the atmosphere when the family are sitting around the table at Christmas dinner? The father/son topic is bound to come up, if not directly, then certainly by inference at some point during the meal.

Whilst this may seem like an extreme case of family disfunction, many families have both past and immediate history that can cause the celebratory meal to become a platform for raising past hurts and felt injustices.  In extreme cases, it could even lead to the “last supper” for the full family.

How to avoid such happenings and have a truly warming family Christmas get together?

When was the last time you heard a political or business leader on hearing a position or newly suggested policy by an “opposition” leader, say, “That sounds like a good idea. I fully support that.  And I believe we can add even more value”? Nada? Never? Or so long ago you’ve forgotten?  Me too!

In a newly published book by the late opionist, Steve Stannard, you’ll see some wonderful ways that we (and our leaders) can have reasoned, informed, accepting, and at appropriate times, humorous, ways of having collaborative rather than combative conversations about all the things that affect our daily lives.

Cycling doyen, sports scientist and lately barista, Steve succumbed to cancer on Saturday, 30^th August 2025, aged just 58.

The book, “You Can’t Make an Omelette Without Breaking a Few Eggs” containing 50 of Steve’s published opinion pieces, was launched at his memorial on Friday 21^st in Palmerston North, New Zealand.  It’s a tribute to Steve and his contribution to his community, and indeed the wider society. As I commented when asked about the book recently, “Where we often see today’s leadership antagonistic and polarising, you’ll find Steve’s articles reflect his often ‘way out’, but always practical, advice on how to better live our lives in a collaborative rather than confrontational manner”.

By Guest author, Kenny Bhosale

Personally, as an introvert, I was never the natural morale booster or energy bringer, and I came to terms with that. My role was to create space for others to step in and be that person.

Ever feel like being a leader also requires you to be a counsellor, mediator, referee, morale booster, energy bringer, emotional punching bag, therapist, a parent, peacemaker, mind reader, and team glue - all before it’s lunch time!? That’s the invisible labour of leadership. The stuff we rarely name or plan for, but that can quietly makes or breaks us. So let’s talk what successful leaders do differently.

By guest author, Michelle Nguyen.

If you’ve seen someone checking your ticket at the Stadium in Palmerston North NZ, serving you at a Japanese restaurant in the city, or leading a waste team at an event in The Square, chances are, that was me. I work multiple part-time jobs to keep learning and growing.

I arrived in New Zealand as an international student in 2022 from Vietnam, Binh Duong province in particular, one of the top five fastest growing cities in Vietnam and entered work-life here last year.

However, despite a great education, positive references and good local experience, I’ve struggled to find a permanent job since completing my studies. I wonder why.

By Bob Selden.  (This article was originally written by Bob in 2015 – and he’s still cycling!)

Two year’s ago, having reached the 70 year age mark, I decided to get fitter by doing more cycling – regularly. I mixed road riding with the home trainer, and achieved 369 days in a row! Then I encountered a slight “bump in the road”, being diagnosed with cancer. And that too was a positive, as because I was so physically fit by then, I was able to be treated with a much higher dose of chemo than normal, and recovered within six months.

But back to my riding – how was I able to go from zero days to 369?