Don’t
A single word can turn a disagreement into a fight, a habit into a trap, or a moment of honesty into a breakthrough. In Don’t, you’ll discover how small shifts in language can change the way you think, speak, and relate to the people who matter most.
Blending practical psychology, communication tools, and behaviour-change research, this guide reveals a simple but powerful idea: The words you repeat every day become the patterns you live by. Each chapter helps you replace language that fuels
defensiveness, shame, and disconnection with words that create clarity, trust, and lasting behavioural change at work, at home, and within yourself.
- Turn difficult work conversations into productive ones by learning when to replace “but” with “and” lowering defensiveness without avoiding the
- Repair tension at home with practical scripts that help partners and families move from blame and shutdown to honesty and connection.
- Build emotional intelligence by using “I” statements that take ownership, invite understanding, and make hard conversations safer.
- Rewire everyday self-talk so your language supports confidence, resilience, and wiser decisions instead of reinforcing fear or self-sabotage.
Words are not neutral. They can deepen distance or build trust, reinforce old wounds or open new possibilities. Don’t shows you how to use language with greater intention so you can respond more thoughtfully, strengthen your relationships, and change the patterns that shape your life.
Change the words, and you begin to change the life those words create.
Unlock the do in don’t …
Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have all the luck? Well, “Don’t” by Bob Selden, shows you how words impact those parts of the brain that make you either positive or negative. People who have a more positive outlook use more positive language. They see opportunities that others miss – they also generally see how these opportunities can be turned into real advantages.
- “Don’t” sets out those negative words and phrases to avoid – the ones that create negative thinking in your brain and result in negative behaviour – and then suggests some words and phrases that do just the opposite. The end result? You will start to use positive words, which activate the positive parts of your brain which then results in positive behaviour.
- “Don’t” will also enable you to better manage those difficult conversations that all of us have at some point. Sometimes it’s a conversation we initiate, such as going to a job interview, at other times it’s initiated by someone else, such as when a good friend wants help with a deep problem.
This 4th edition has new chapters on Building Positive Family Relationships and How to Apologise sincerely, plus some exciting developments on how to improve your self-talk.
Full of practical examples, stories, and “how to’s”, “Don’t” provides some fascinating insights into what makes us who we are. Bob will challenge some of your thinking on what makes some people more successful than others – in business, sport, relationships and life. Is it luck? Upbringing? Opportunity? Training? Or is it perhaps the words we use? Read Bob Selden's book “Don’t” and make the call!
“In this insightful and practical book, Bob Selden guides us to realise the power of our words – and our thoughts – to help us build better relationships with our friends, family and work colleagues. A really important life book and one I wish I had years ago.”
- Andrew O’Keeffe, author of ‘Hardwired Humans’ and ‘The Boss’.
“Bob Selden has given us a gift of unique value: The gift of understanding how the words we choose impact on others - and even on ourselves. Based on his painstaking review of the science, “Don’t” has already changed how I construct my keynote speeches.”
- Jim Lawless, author of “Taming Tigers” and International Keynote Speaker.